Monthly Archives: December 2011

Journey To Vegas (Day 1)

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Journey To Vegas :

My Two Month Weight Loss Adventure

A Story of Love, Triumph, or Defeat Starts January 4th 2011
Daisypath Vacation tickers

I have 2 Months 1 Week until I attend the MTV Spring Break Pool Party in Las Vegas, Nevada. 🙂  Since I began trying to conceive every where I’ve been reading has told me to do “light” exercises and eat healthy to improve my chances. Well, I’m definitely heavier but without the reward of a little prince or princess waiting for me at the end. Nope I’m just heavier, and thicker, and wider. Well needless to say walking every morning and evening for an hour doesn’t cut it for my body. Eating vegetables with no salad dressing, boycotting butter and non-seed oils, has only slowed down the amt of wait my waistline was willing to put on. I’ve inflated like a party balloon. I talked to my physician about it and we did this electric scan thing that sends electricity to check your fat content and though my hips could be compared to a large hungry hungry mammal she says that I’m perfectly healthy.

I know this is really close to New Years resolution time. But this isn’t a lifestyle I intend on adopting long term. I’m just doing this for Vegas. Or maybe I’ll adopt it. Who knows.

So What’s my Goal?
60 lbs in 60 days!

I know that’s a stretch. Really, I would be to the right size for my itty bitty bikinis if I lost only 30lbs in 60days. I would actually be too small for my smallest bikini but to lose 30lbs seems like no adventure at all. 60 LBS!! I have already titled this goal of mine Journey To Vegas. I intend to jog every morning with my pup, gym it up every evening with myself, hopefully get the boyfriend on board to help me out as a motivator. I may even join a sport or something on campus. Maybe even walk to campus. Who knows! The possibilities are endless in the Journey to Vegas!

As Always I’ll keep you all posted,

-GCD

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Some People Wait a Lifetime for a Moment Like This

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Some people search forever for that one special kiss. Oh how I wish it was happening to me.

This is one of those videos I find on YouTube and that chokes me up. Here I am alone in my room waiting for AF, waiting for the doctor to call me about my ovarian cysts, TTC since I was 18, one blip on the radar but she wasn’t with us beyond that day. Waiting, wishing, hoping, praying, studying, blogging, reading, trying, timing, exposing myself to my family, all to one day hopefully get to that moment I only hear about and live in my dreams.

Remember How Excited I was to Ovulate?

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Remember how excited I was to ovulate? How my boyfriend and I were celebrated having a chance to bring forth life. I knew I was right before, this cycle wasn’t mine.

Well, come to find out that I actually didn’t ovulate. We did the dance, got into arguments, peed on sticks, all for nothing. I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend. I will have to seek treatments for my cysts soon but my doctor hasn’t called me. On to the New Year, I guess.

This One’s For The Girls

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I Would Die For That by Kellie Coffey

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn’t keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I’ve been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We’re told not to give up.
He wonders if it’s him.
And I wonder if it’s me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won’t understand it
If it’s not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I’d give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it’s hard to conceive,
With all that I’ve got,
And all I’ve achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
“I love you, Mom.”

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die …
I would die for that.

Rain Clouds

Status

Maybe its because my temps are so low,

or I got a phone call yesterday confirming that I wasn’t pregnant ( I didn’t think I was, at least not at 5DPO),

or because I got a phone call this morning informing me that I’m being dropped from my major (and will have to find a new one in the college or find a different one, sign up for classes (all of which are closed)

or maybe that even on provera my temps wont rise,

or that I can’t tell if provera is working.

or maybe it’s that the more of my friends eigther got engaged or married in the past week,

or maybe it’s the fact that my brothers, nephews and niece wont make it for Christmas.

perhaps it’s because my boyfriend want to see a councilor to see if he “really wants to ttc right now.”

I’m feeling so down. Nothing is going right.

 

Update:

– I just got a call from my doctor… I also have cysts on BOTH of my ovaries 😦

How My Mother Created and Crashed My Appointment

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Yesterday around 7:30 am my mother peeped into my laptop (She’s a spier, I’ve gotten used to it) and saw Fertility Friend still up… I hate that it’s call Fertility Friend… Why couldn’t it be called Cycle Tracking Friend or something that doesn’t scream BABYMAKIN!

Well anyway, she asked me if I was trying to be a fertility doctor… (I know, I know she’s like 60+ and I’m her oldest daughter, she never had issues having kids so she’s oblivious to these helper tools). I told her about AF going missing and what I’ve been doing and what we’ve been trying.

She got upset and offended because I don’t go to her about personal stuff like this. Hum, I wonder why mom?

In my head the best case scenario for this conversation would be this:

“Hey super southern conservative mother I can’t get pregnant, I think it has something to do with AF going missing. My boyfriend and I have been secretly TTC for about three years now” – Me
“That’s great Liberalized City College Daughter! I’ve been waiting for you to start trying to have kids before you were married! What took you so long? Oh nice tattoo, clever placement. Here let me help you. Have you listened to that last Motley Crew Album? I loved it.”- Her

For the record I didn’t even tell her when I became a “Big Girl” and Aunt Flow started visiting. I have always been secretive in that way. Which is also why I find myself doing so much research on my own for personal issued. I think it was three years until she actually found out that Aunt Flow was paying me regular visits.

As soon as she found out my situation and lectured me about going to her about “woman issues” she set up an appointment for that day, morning to get me referred to see a specialist. Suddenly, I had an appointment at 10:40am. We were  anticipating seeing the specialist before I go back to school. And she’s forking all the cash that my insurance doesn’t cover.

The catch, she wants to come with me. I guess it’s the least I could do for her to be paying for everything. Right?

I don’t think there was a time that I have ever felt so awkward in my life. We go in to receive a referral and we end up with the works.

I arrive at my appointment a minute or two late, with my mother in tow. The nurse checks my vitals, blood pressure, temp, everything is healthy. The doctor comes in and my mother starts barking up her tree. I really think she’s been waiting to bark since 7:30 am when she found out that I still don’t tell her anything. She tells our doctor that we want a referral since the doctors here were not properly treating me. She knows way more about my family history than I was able to every tell the doctor things about my family’s health history which was nice. So I took the back seat and let her take charge (as she likes to do & I am shy when I know my mother is near).

They want to check me out instead of refer me. Fine. We’re doing everything today. Unfine, my mother is there. They ask me those delicate questions like do you have sex, and if so with what kind of protection. Yes. Protection? (lol). Surprise mother! I’m trying to get pregnant for real! (I didn’t tell her I was also on message boards, had a blog about it, and that I frequent multiple BBT tracker sites to spare her). What a way for her to find out! I imagined growing old and her never hearing my confession that I ever partake in such premarital foolery but I guess God had a different plan for me. They asked me questions about my past health history and my chemical pregnancy from years back. All new information to my mother. I’m sure she absorbed all the new information like a sponge.

They squeezed 8 test tubes of blood out of me for testing. It wasn’t too bad. I wish she found my vein on the first or second try and didn’t blame me for her short comings. I didn’t move, I actually find the process of being stabbed by needles fascinatingly alluring. She says I moved, which is why she wasn’t successful the first two times. Just for the record.

Luckily,  they wanted to do pelvic exams and ultra sounds which allowed me some private time being probed without my mother looming over me. I seized the opportunity and dismissed my mother from the office. I didn’t wake up this morning expecting to be probed but they wanted to do it for both the physical pelvic and ultrasound. Surprise!

My mother was such a happy camper when we left.  I think she gets upset that I don’t let her into my world or let her help me with much. She didn’t even hassle me about the trying to conceive thing. In fact she encouraged me and offered genuine comforting words! Pardon my feelings and use of acronym but, WTF mom. You’re not supposed to be okay with this, I’m still your baby girl right? It was only 3 years ago you were grounding me for being out too late. I’m not an adult yet, can’t I still be your baby girl?

So only half of my blood test results came back yesterday afternoon. My Thyroid is healthy, I may be fighting a very light cold or virus (true), my hormones are at healthy levels (tell that to my BBT Chart), I’m not pregnant *sad face,* So I picked up my prescription of Provera and called it a day. At this point it’s 3:Something pm and I was exhausted.

I read somewhere that Provera used to be used as a pregnancy test. 😉 Maybe my POSITIVE is closer than I think.

I was supper shocked that I didn’t get lectured or disapproval glances from her. She hasn’t even mentioned anything about the appointment besides she suggests that I stock up on sanitary napkins in case the Provera makes me bleed more than I anticipated. Previously, I have been lectured by the free clinics and my physicians when I told them I was trying to conceive. Needless to say they were less than comforting when I received my negatives in their offices. They celebrated my negatives. Shame on me for wanting to be a young mother, I obviously did not have feelings like someone who was older to receive a negative results. Donkey’s Butts.

I’m the 4th child and eldest girl. She has grandchildren their mothers keep them around their own families during the holidays and breaks so I think she’s anticipating finally getting serious baby advice giving and holding time when I do get my BFP. I’m excited to having her favorite grand kids! One day.:-)

-GCD