Bitching and Moaning Warning:
I’m completely bummed this evening. I got another wedding invitation in the mail from a younger couple. I don’t even have a ring yet and there’s no ring in site. He promises that it’ll be this year but he promises a lot of things I have stopped holding my breath for.
As you all know I have decided to take a three-month break from TTC so I can start-up again in March after my trip to Los Vegas, please pardon my excessive drinking intentions. I am not sure if I’m actually waiting for selfish reasons or if it’s actually other things.
The traditionalist Catholic in me says to wait until I’m married to start having children. He’s making me wait to get married and I have a life plan and goals to fulfill. No time for waiting indefinitely. I’m in control of my own destiny.
If I do get pregnant it’s going to be a MINIMUM of two years until I’ll let him engage me. I’m not going to feel like he’s engaging me because I’m having his baby and I’m not walking down any isle toting a bun in my oven.
Oh and that baby will have my name as much as he protests it. If I’m unmarried I’m naming the baby after my family and that’s just how it is. I would like our Little One to have his last name though, but he’s not doing what he needs to do to make that happen so I’m not to blame.
I don’t know what to do besides wait for him. He want to move in with me this summer, get a house, join bank accounts, all the stuff that should be exclusive to married couples. It pisses me off. It makes me angry why is he being so mean? What’s wrong with me that makes him not want to ask? (You know besides being needy, independent, controlling, over-confident, and self-centered) Lol He has even agreed to TTC with me another one of those things that should be held exclusive for married couples. I don’t know how to feel. I’m so tired of going to weddings of couples who have been together for a shorter duration than we have. I’m tired of going to weddings and all the girls chattering saying things like “I knew he loved you”& “now you can have babies!” I wish he understood how it makes me feel having all of these younger couples celebrating their love when I know for a fact that our love is at least a million times as real, deep, passionate, and touched by God. I’m tired of having to put on a brave face and pretend that I’m happy for all of these couples. I’m tired of going to all of these weddings and pretending to be excited that they’re getting something that I’ve been waiting for since I was 12 and planned my perfect family. I’m not excited that these women have somehow did something magical to be more alluring than I have learned how to be in the years I’ve been with him.
Ho hum. It feels like a lost cause.