Monthly Archives: November 2011

…Never the Bride

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Bitching and Moaning Warning:

I’m completely bummed this evening. I got another wedding invitation in the mail from a younger couple. I don’t even have a ring yet and there’s no ring in site. He promises that it’ll be this year but he promises a lot of things I have stopped holding my breath for.

As you all know I have decided to take a three-month break from TTC so I can start-up again in March after my trip to Los Vegas, please pardon my excessive drinking intentions. I am not sure if I’m actually waiting for selfish reasons or if it’s actually other things.

The traditionalist Catholic in me says to wait until I’m married to start having children. He’s making me wait to get married and I have a life plan and goals to fulfill. No time for waiting indefinitely. I’m in control of my own destiny.

If I do get pregnant it’s going to be  a MINIMUM of two years until I’ll let him engage me. I’m not going to feel like he’s engaging me because I’m having his baby and I’m not walking down any isle toting a bun in my oven.

Oh and that baby will have my name as much as he protests it. If I’m unmarried I’m naming the baby after my family and that’s just how it is. I would like our Little One to have his last name though, but he’s not doing what he needs to do to make that happen so I’m not to blame.

I don’t know what to do besides wait for him. He want to move in with me this summer, get a house, join bank accounts, all the stuff that should be exclusive to married couples. It pisses me off. It makes me angry why is he being so mean? What’s wrong with me that makes him not want to ask? (You know besides being needy, independent, controlling, over-confident, and self-centered) Lol He has even agreed to TTC with me another one of those things that should be held exclusive for married couples. I don’t know how to feel. I’m so tired of going to weddings of couples who have been together for a shorter duration than we have. I’m tired of going to weddings and all the girls chattering saying things like “I knew he loved you”& “now you can have babies!” I wish he understood how it makes me feel having all of these younger couples celebrating their love when I know for a fact that our love is at least a million times as real, deep, passionate, and touched by God. I’m tired of having to put on a brave face and pretend that I’m happy for all of these couples. I’m tired of going to all of these weddings and pretending to be excited that they’re getting something that I’ve been waiting for since I was 12 and planned my perfect family. I’m not excited that these women have somehow did something magical to be more alluring than I have learned how to be in the years I’ve been with him.

Ho hum. It feels like a lost cause.

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Welcome Home

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So as you have learned over our month together that I haven’t had a visit from everyone’s favorite Aunt in some substantial time. Long enough that I went to see a doctor about it and start charting my BBT to suddenly see that I am ovulating and have an on time (based on ovulation) visit from Aunty Flo.

Without a doubt the yoga and new multivitamins are working!

My cycle started November 24th, 2011 and I couldn’t be happier, sadder, or more nervous. Oh, did I mention this visit from AF she made sure she brought all of her luggage; Intense mood swings, bloating, insomnia, and cramps. At least she came to clear out that old lining so I can make a new one for my potential little one.

Wait, I mean I’m on break from ttc.

But it’s so hard not to try now that I see the light at the end of the tunnel smiling at me. If I can time it right I can hold back on BD until I notice a dip in my chart sometime between day 10 & day 14. Then we’ll have a THICK batch of soldiers on the march at the best time :-/ I told myself I was going to wait, at least until after my Vegas trip in March. I’m only going to be 21, in college, and not a mother once in my life. So I intend to live it up. I intend to have those pictures kept in a box buried in the back yard ❤ Yes, I intend to have a great time to include drinking gratuitously.

Also by waiting, I’ll be able to verify that my cycles are normalizing and discover my ovulation pattern so that 1 Day Post Vegas I can restart my journey and catch that egg the first time.

 

Woot! Vegas and BFP here I come!

Very Strange Indeed

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Have you looked at my sorry excuse for a chart lately? The ladies from the Community on BabyZone think that I had an implantation dip 🙂 I’d hate to get my hopes up (like I do every cycle) again because coming down with the realization that you’re not pregnant hurts my feelings wayyy too much.

Well, Let me tell you about Saturday, November 19th 2011

It started off like any other Saturday. I wake up around 7am at my bf’s apartment, drive over to my own apartment, feed the animals, make breakfast and start preparing for the day. For breakfast I had cereal and milk, not my best chef work but it was a very care free morning.

At about 10:30am I start noticing that I’m a little dizzy. I open the door to allow some morning fresh suburban air into the apartment and lay on the couch. I lay down and work really hard to relax watching my cat and pup entertaining each other I notice that my dizziness is getting worse! Sooo much worse for about 30 minutes then it subsides to average dizziness where I shouldn’t operate machinery but I should be fine to walk around my tiny apartment.

So 11:50-Noon comes around and I’m hungry again. So I prepare myself some chicken and plain white rice. Tummy safe foods since the dizziness has made me cautious about my food choices. I drink water, and take my too expensive to not work multivitamins, and indulge in my soy seasoned, single serving of chicken and rice.

12:12pm I notice that my dizziness is increasing.

12:13ish I ask my roommate to join me and my girl scout troop on a tour of the police station that is scheduled for 1:00pm. We begin a conversation and my level of dizziness increases to the point where I have to steady myself on secure objects.

12:15ish I feel like a train has hit me and has managed to de-rail itself to come after me some more. I can’t walk the world is spinning too much. I make myself comfortable in the single piece cheapo-depo patio chair we use for our indoor french bistro dining set. I notify my roommate that something may be wrong and I close my eyes to keep the room from spinning.

12:16-12:18 I realize that something is horribly wrong and debate going to urgent care. I notify my BF of the situation just in case I pass out and need to go.

12:19-12:27 I’m convinced I’m going to pass out or die. (Sounds dramatic but it was terrible!)

12:27+some seconds the dizziness turns abruptly to nausea! I was so relieved that this whole thing could be over very soon but I had to act fast, my nausea urge was increasing exponentially by the half-second.

12:28 bodily function I will not go into detail about besides informing you it was straight to the point and required little waiting to happen and little recovery time.

I realize that I have to be at the church to pick up the girls at 12:30 so I brush, mouth wash, gargle, and clean myself up as well as I could. My roommate hands me some Tums and we keep it rolling, I have stuff to do.

12:31pm Still dizzy but only half as dizzy as severe dizziness so I’m cool. I still need to balance myself but I’d take that over feeling like this was my final hour any day.

1:45ish Dizziness is reduced to an ignorable level

3:15 Eat a Mediterranean Veggie Sandwich at Panara. Feel Fine

5:30ish My BF takes me to Cold Stone after we BD, (TMI) for some reason my body was screaming for it, and his was responding to the call. (I got a scoop of cinnamon & a scoop of butter pecan ice cream 🙂 yum yum. I feel fine for the rest of the night

I tell him and he says it’s probably the birth control pills messing with me. I informed him that I don’t start those until the 1st. Then I try to blame it on the chicken or eggs and he informs me that contamination of that matter would have me in the hospital for weeks. He then proceeded to talk science to me and I couldn’t tell you any more points he was trying to make about cross contamination and the effects of food poisoning. He really likes science.

Today, I’m not dizzy in the slightest, maybe a twinge of dizziness earlier in the day but it only stayed for a moment, but I have been suffering from so much gas & light to mild cramps that go in and out. Aunt Flow? Is that you knocking?  Last time I got dizzy FF informed me that I may have just ovulated. Uggh, even now I’m feeling weird crampy feelings all in the lower tummy zone. I don’t know how to explain it. It feels like I have a gas bubble hiding behind my pelvis. I really think it’s AF playing a nasty trick on me trying to get my hopes up. I haven’t seen her for several cycles so I can barely remember what visits from her were like.

Now behind my right bb is sore. Now, it’s not sore. Oh wait, it’s sore again. The weir soreness is coming from behind it, I’ve never heard of that. I get it if I was working out but I haven’t done such exercises in weeks. My uterus area is having a field day. Little muscles spasms like a quick *twitch twitch twitch* and then nothing and then another time for kicks and light cramping in general but mostly on the left side. AUNT FLOW, if you’re lurking in the shadows show yourself! Just get it over with! This is cruel.

The Appointment

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THE APPOINTMENT
I have never had such a spectacular experience with physicians than I had this past Friday! My Doctor was kind and very understanding. I felt as though she actually wanted to help me and there was a chance that she was one of those “You want to get coffee or go out to lunch to further discuss this problem” type doctors. She was by age much older than the women I’m used to interacting with but she was young in body and heart. She was healthy, optimistic, fun-loving, very considerate, and patient.
She allowed me to go though everything I thought was a symptom or indicator of my lost Aunt Flow. First she optimistically informed me that even though I haven’t seen my Aunt in such a long time doesn’t mean that I’m not ovulating regularly. Say WHAT? My message boards never told me that! It was smooth sailing from there. She talked to me about all of my symptoms and what they could mean, gave me more symptoms to see if I could remember experiencing any of them and what that would mean then requested more information about other abnormalities that I may have had. We ran as many test as my insurance would hold at one time (apparently it was about seven tubes of blood worth of testing) and gave me her proposed plan of action: Low does BC, fixing the underlying problem if there is one, or more tests in the instance that our previous tests indicated a reason to continue searching. I have never remembered so much information from a doctor. Usually doctors spend their time throwing medical terms at me then giving me an excessive oversimplification of what it means. She talked to me like I was a person who had valid concerns and observations.
Unfortunately, most of the tests had to be exported to another lab so I had to wait until Monday to get my full results and my final action plan.

THE RESULTS
So my results came in! I have normal levels for everything except for iron. I have, despite taking my vitamin supplements religiously, an iron deficiency. And that’s it. All of those tests just to tell me that my iron is low. I’ve known that since I was 13 and AF first reared her ugly head. I’m glad that there isn’t anything more serious going on durring our borad spectrum testing but I’m frustrated that we don’t have answers. I am and have been taking my multivitamins what more can I do? Well, at least Fertility Friend thinks I’m ovulating. What more can I ask for besides that? I’m going to do some reasearch and talk to my doctor about iron and implantation since I am still ovulating. Hopefully, it only hinders ovulation and not catching the egg.

Oh Well,
GCD

1 Day Post Appointment

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Friday I had my appointment. It went great! I’ll tell you more about it in my next post when I get my results. Then, I will be able to cast my opinion on it. I’ll also squeeze in 2 DPAppointment in the next post too. There’s an upward trend now on my chart have you seen it? I have good feelings about this cycle.

Saturday:
Saturday morning I had finally gotten around to clean my passenger windows. They were super gross drenched in wet/dry dog saliva and had been that way for months since I could never remember to purchase Windex when I would go to the grocery store. I finally got my hair done. My BF texts me asking when I’d like to leave for NCState, I’m in such a good mood I let him and his pals decide since by this moment in time they are finally waking up and I’m done with my weekend chores. As I go around my apartment doing some causal cleaning my bf texts me again. “nvm what do you want to do today.” Well today I put all my plans aside so that I could accompany him on this weekend venture. Low and behold his roommate makes a big scene about me never being invited (he was the inviter). I’m sure it was less than personal of him to not want me to attend. He misses bro time and I take it away from them.
You see, John used to be, and still is, the ladies man in their circle of friends. He used to get girls left and right and for a long time dated a very down to earth, perfect for him type of girl. About two years ago they broke up do to his constant teasing attacks to her heritage, the lies probably and women degrading jokes didn’t help either. She never told him why she left she just did as soon as she found someone to take his place. She told me months before it happened that their relationship was coming to an end and she didn’t know how to do it. Well she moved away and vanished off the face of the earth for a year before resurfacing around our area.
But now John, isn’t the expert on girls anymore, my BF is and he loves it. BF used to be the guy in the group that would just tag along. He was the kid that was smart enough to figure out how to build and get things and never held a romantic relationship until deep into his 20s. His longest relationship prior to me was about a month-long. So when BF started dating me the tides started shifting in their group. For starters I was one of the two NON-WHITE participant in their group so as we continued to date those are the only jokes that John wanted to share (at the time he was still dating his dream girl, who was the other non-white participant in the group) in order to ensure that our relationship wasn’t permanent and to get rid of me sooner so he can resume being the only friend with a steady supply of female interactions. It probably didn’t help that I was FIT, HOT, FRESH, CUTE, and barely 18. That was three years ago.
Today, BF and I have transitioned our relationship into a “practice marriage” but living separately type of relationship. I know people always say don’t do that because he’ll never want to get married, but I have a hunch that it’s not going to be too much longer. We’re TTC and we have southern families need I say more? When John told my BF that I wasn’t invited he simply uninvited himself and told them to go have fun. If that’s not the sign of him being more of a man than his childish friends I don’t know what does. Instead he and I hung out, watch the Nightmare before Christmas, hung out on the couch, and fantasized about our future family. It was a great night. When the boys came back I wasn’t disappointed at their moods. They weren’t excited ready to tell BF how much of a great time they had. Apparently, there was only one driver in the trip so he had to drive two and a half hours there, drink until the am, and then drive two and a half hours back while his companions all slept in the car. I’m sure they had fun but the weird mental transitions they’re making into adulthood make it so they don’t meet eye to eye anymore. They boys are all 25+ my BF being the youngest of the group. John doesn’t seem to want to grow up. He’s been drowning himself in girls he only has complaints about and demands more and more bro time. If you ask me it seems like a cry for help. Don’t get me wrong I tried to help. It may not have been a hard try but it was an attempt to help him out.

Oh Well, until next time.
GCD